Tired of people telling me I should be grateful

I am so tired of people telling me to be happy for the living children that I have. I am so, so very grateful for them. I love them with everything I have within me. I love all my lost babies, too. I want all of my babies with me. One child cannot replace another. And people do not realize that secondary infertility hurts, too.

Failed IUI

I tested this morning and it was negative. I was hoping first day of spring, a new beginning. That idea was shot to hell. This was our second IUI. Our first ended in a miscarriage at 8 weeks. We have been trying since 2006 to have another baby. We have had during this time a miscarriage, a stillbirth, another miscarriage, a blighted ovum and now another failed IUI. And I'm not getting any younger. I feel like life hates me for some reason. Why does it have to be so hard. I try so hard not to be bitter but it is just seeping into me slowly. My heart just hurts so much right now. I have to suck it up and go to work and put on my "I'm just nifty" face. I know I will break into pieces when I see my pregnant co-worker. Facing pregnant women is the hardest next to infant. Life just sucks.

Dreading the holidays

It is Thanksgiving time again. This is such a painful time of year. Why isn't my baby boy here with us. This should be his first Thanksgiving, and next month his first Christmas. It's just so hard some days. I go through the motions of living sometimes not really feeling much of anything. What does it really matter? And my faith, totally shattered. Do you really exist God??? What have I done?? How could a loving all knowing God allow such pain and sadness?? I am just so sad, hurt and angry.

I feel lost

Today, November 21, is the anniversary of finding out my baby boy Devyn had died inside of me. I carried him for 9 more days, and he was born on November 30, 2007. I had never felt so alone and lost in my entire life. I was pregnant again, and I began to miscarry this past Monday afternoon. I was 8+ weeks. I am shattered and heartbroken, but I must go on and pretend to the world outside that I am Ok when I am absolutely dying inside. What did I do? Who did I piss off in the scheme of the universe that my babies had to be taken from me? I am forever changed. I will never be the same. Though tears will not always be on my face, the face I have to put on for the outside world, they will be forever falling in my heart, like a waterfall ever flowing. I have so much sadness and anger at one time. It is an overwhelming state of emotions. Emotions that have become a permanent part of who I am now.