I know these women have never done anything to me, but it just hurts so to look at them. On Friday while in an assembly, a little girl, about 2 years old, who happened to be the sister of a boy who played baseball with my 8 year old son, kept coming up to me, and hanging around me. Her mom, whom I know, came over to me and said "say hello", and the little girl did. I commented on how much she had grown,, since I had last saw her as a little baby. The the mother nudges me with her elbow and says "Hey, were having another one! Number 5!" I can only imagine what my face looked like, and I managed to choke out congratulations, with a forced smile on my face. I wanted to crawl under my seat. I could not concentrate on the assembly after that. Again I wish nothing bad on anyone, but it just hurts. Why not me? Why can't I have my baby? Why is this so hard?
We decided to do IVF, and I was in my first cycle in May. Well, my cycle was canceled, because to six follicles I grew would not grow big enough, probably because of over suppression. I was absolutely crushed. We are going to try again, with different meds, but because of the RE schedule, and our family vacation in July I will not be able to cycle again until August. I feel like every week that I miss, my chances lessen. And I just miss my Devyn so much. I do not want to, and could not ever replace my sweet baby boy. But, I have this ache inside of me to have another baby, and it does not leave me. I feel so unfinished, so cheated, and I think that people have a hard time understanding that when they know I have other living children. I just feel sad, and that no one really "gets it".