My Husband Says I Am A Magnet, Salt in Wounds

It is so hard for me to look at pregnant women, and newborns and for this I feel like a bad person. I would not wish what I have been through on anyone, but it just hurts me to see big pregnant bellies and newborn babies. We were invited to my nephews 1st birthday party, which is difficult for me because my niece and I were pregnant together, and she was due the month after me. Watching her pregnancy progress was very torturous for me. I had a constant lump in my throat and ache in my heart. I love my nephew, and he was the only baby I could even remotely be around without completely crumbling, but his birthday is bittersweet for me. But that is not the reason why I had to tell her that I could not come to the party. It is because of her sister in law. She is very much pregnant and I just could not sit there and have to see her belly. It was hard enough this year to constantly see my co-worker who is pregnant. I could go weeks without running into her, but as soon as she got pregnant, I would run into her almost every day. I am a stay to myself kind of person at work >my room is in the for corner of a hallway, and I stay in it most of the time. Well, I was not even safe there anymore. For some reason she felt the need to come see me there also. She knows I lost my baby. 

I know these women have never done anything to me, but it just hurts so to look at them. On Friday while in an assembly, a little girl, about 2 years old, who happened to be the sister of a boy who played baseball with my 8 year old son, kept coming up to me, and hanging around me. Her mom, whom I know, came over to me and said "say hello", and the little girl did. I commented on how much she had grown,, since I had last saw her as a little baby. The the mother nudges me with her elbow and says "Hey, were having another one! Number 5!" I can only imagine what my face looked like, and I managed to choke out congratulations, with a forced smile on my face. I wanted to crawl under my seat. I could not concentrate on the assembly after that.  Again I wish nothing bad on anyone, but it just hurts. Why not me? Why can't I have my baby? Why is this so hard?

We decided to do IVF, and I was in my first cycle in May. Well, my cycle was canceled, because to six follicles I grew would not grow big enough, probably because of  over suppression. I was absolutely crushed. We are going to try again, with different meds, but because of the RE schedule, and our family vacation in July I will not be able to cycle again until August. I feel like every week that I miss, my chances lessen. And I just miss my Devyn so much. I do not want to, and could not ever replace my sweet baby boy.  But, I have this ache inside of me to have another baby, and it does not leave me. I feel so unfinished, so cheated, and I think that people have a hard time understanding that when they know I have other living children. I just feel sad, and that no one really "gets it".