Someone angry this way comes...

I am angry. Angry about everything and nothing. I know it might not make sense to some people. I am angry my son is not here with me today. I am angry that my body will not cooperate with my IVF meds, and it is looking like cycle #2 will be cancelled like cycle #1. I feel slap, after slap, after slap. My faith is totally shaken. I try so hard stay optimistic and positive but I feel beaten down with each disappointment that happens, one after the other, like there are waves washing over me, and barely letting me take a breath. Lately it is hard to see the shore. 

I know the the meds are probably adding to my feelings of despair and emptiness. I cried most of the day yesterday after my morning monitoring, when the RE said that I did not seem to be responding, with 5 follicles less than 10mm each. And I am on what they call their most aggressive protocol. When they cancelled cycle #1 saying poor response, my body later took over and I ovulated on my own, and did not realize it until an ultrasound confirmed it.

Why has my life turned out this way? All I can do is look at Devyn's urn and imagine what he would look like now, and how it would feel to have him in my arms and hug and kiss his sweet little face. 

Such a dichotomy, to long for my lost baby, and to hope and long to be pregnant again. I guess it's no wonder my heart and soul are so heavy.