Saturday, January 2, 2010


We had our FET on December 22. Transfered one great embryo and one a little less great.

Decemeber 31st, blood test in the early am, then a call later that morning, "I'm so sorry, but your pregnancy test is negative." A not so happy New Years Eve. The rest of the day and evening spent in bed.

I was so silly to let myself think that I would actually become pregnant, I guess. I actually had more hope than I have had in the two years since Devyn died. The hope got me through the holidays, which are the worst for me, next to seeing pregnant bellies everywhere, and newborns everywhere I turn while trying to keep the holidays festive for my family. And I look at my sweet nephew whom I adore and realize that his cousin Devyn should be toddling around with him playing and laughing and getting into things. My heart just aches. It's so unfair that he is gone. And those who tell me that he is in a better place don't get it. The best place for a baby is in his or her mommies arms.

I do the fertility treatments and what a mind trip I go through. I consciously make an effort not to take what I am feeling inside out on anyone, though the hormones make me so very emotional. I am sore from the treatments but I do not complain, even to my husband. No one in my family knows I am going through fertility treatments. I 've done holistic nutrition, acupuncture, trying to think positive. I don't drink, don't smoke (not that they are something that I enjoy doing). For what, I think now?

Why is it that a crack ho or a heroin addict can get pregnant while stoned out of their mind, without the assistance of fertility treatments, and deliver a living, breathing baby? Or a woman I know of who literally smoked throughout her recent pregnancy and delivers a healthy baby. And 2 years before that, she was a drug addict and gave birth to a healthy set of twins. (both unplanned pregnancies I might add)

But I do what I am supposed to and I can't even get pregnant? Even with fertility assistance?

I haven't cried yet, I just feel so numb. I want to just crawl out of my body, this broken body and be somewhere else. I don't have a clue where, just somewhere else.

We have two more frozen embies, do I dare to dream, hope again, or am I just setting myself up.

But I want this so badly. So so very badly.

I am trying so hard not to be bitter, and I fight it every day, but it is creeping into me. I don't like it and I try to fight it, but these things make it so hard.