Saturday, January 2, 2010


We had our FET on December 22. Transfered one great embryo and one a little less great.

Decemeber 31st, blood test in the early am, then a call later that morning, "I'm so sorry, but your pregnancy test is negative." A not so happy New Years Eve. The rest of the day and evening spent in bed.

I was so silly to let myself think that I would actually become pregnant, I guess. I actually had more hope than I have had in the two years since Devyn died. The hope got me through the holidays, which are the worst for me, next to seeing pregnant bellies everywhere, and newborns everywhere I turn while trying to keep the holidays festive for my family. And I look at my sweet nephew whom I adore and realize that his cousin Devyn should be toddling around with him playing and laughing and getting into things. My heart just aches. It's so unfair that he is gone. And those who tell me that he is in a better place don't get it. The best place for a baby is in his or her mommies arms.

I do the fertility treatments and what a mind trip I go through. I consciously make an effort not to take what I am feeling inside out on anyone, though the hormones make me so very emotional. I am sore from the treatments but I do not complain, even to my husband. No one in my family knows I am going through fertility treatments. I 've done holistic nutrition, acupuncture, trying to think positive. I don't drink, don't smoke (not that they are something that I enjoy doing). For what, I think now?

Why is it that a crack ho or a heroin addict can get pregnant while stoned out of their mind, without the assistance of fertility treatments, and deliver a living, breathing baby? Or a woman I know of who literally smoked throughout her recent pregnancy and delivers a healthy baby. And 2 years before that, she was a drug addict and gave birth to a healthy set of twins. (both unplanned pregnancies I might add)

But I do what I am supposed to and I can't even get pregnant? Even with fertility assistance?

I haven't cried yet, I just feel so numb. I want to just crawl out of my body, this broken body and be somewhere else. I don't have a clue where, just somewhere else.

We have two more frozen embies, do I dare to dream, hope again, or am I just setting myself up.

But I want this so badly. So so very badly.

I am trying so hard not to be bitter, and I fight it every day, but it is creeping into me. I don't like it and I try to fight it, but these things make it so hard.


Michelle said...

I'm sorry. Even though we've had many negatives, each one seems to pack the same punch of pain.

Here's to you in 2010... maybe it'll be your year!

Angie said...

All I can say is HUGS. No amount of "sorries" or "it will happens" will take that pain away. I wish the best for you and your family.

TONS OF GENTLE HUGS from from a friend that is in the club no-one wants to be a part of

My Very Own Angel said...

((HUGS)) 2010 will be a better year for you and your family. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but again, I think 2010 will be your year.

S said...

I'm so sorry. Its really hard to face bfns at such an emotionally charged time of year and its hard NOT to feel bitterness towards those who can somehow manage to "make it work" when we can't - these are all normal feelings that you should let yourself feel without guilt. I used to carry a lot of guilt about some of the thoughts I had - but now I realise through sharing experiences with others, that this is now our 'new normal'.

I have everything crossed for your next FET.

(Shaz from MISS).


forwardtumble said...

I'm sorry, it's hard not to get bitter. I agree with S, don't bottle up the negative feelings, I kinda believe you have to let them out to let them go.

All we can do is take it one day at a time.


IndieBambino said...

Oh honey I am so sorry, what a cruel way to start the new year. I don't understand this world, or why some people get to have babies and others dont (and it seems the most unfitting parents sometimes get to have the most blessings). My love to you, please do not give up. M