Dreading the holidays

It is Thanksgiving time again. This is such a painful time of year. Why isn't my baby boy here with us. This should be his first Thanksgiving, and next month his first Christmas. It's just so hard some days. I go through the motions of living sometimes not really feeling much of anything. What does it really matter? And my faith, totally shattered. Do you really exist God??? What have I done?? How could a loving all knowing God allow such pain and sadness?? I am just so sad, hurt and angry.