Friday, May 15, 2009

Devyn's due date

Devyn's due date was May 12th. No one in my family remembered except maybe my husband. One friend of mine remembered. She called me and let me know that she was thinking of me. I love her for that more than she knows. She remembers that even though my son never took a breath, or physically walked on this earth, he is somebody. Somebody who deserves to be remembered.  I guess since Devyn is not physically here with me, he is not tangible to others and he is not in many peoples mental calendar really, except for mine, his mommie. 
I worked on the 12th, but kind of just went through the motions. I didn't stay late like I usually do. I went to a plant nursery a purchased a clematis to plant in Devyn's memory garden. I spent the rest of the afternoon in to the evening in his garden, weeding planting, digging, mulching and talking to Devyn in my mind. It's sad in a way that this is all that I can do for my son. When I was done my heart still ached. And that nagging dirty three letter word "why" was ringing within me stronger than ever. Why can't I hold my baby boy in my arms?? Why did he have to die??