Due Date #3

Yesterday was your 3rd due date anniversary. I had been feeling unsettled all week anticipating this. I was teary all day. Love you, and miss you baby.

Knowing what I've missed out on

We had your baby sister's christening. Very small gathering, immediate family and the Godparents. I realize more and more with each milestone your baby sister reaches, everything I missed out on with you. You had no christening.

The other day I responded to a post on another mama's blog about breast feeding. She was upset about some of the negative comments that others were saying about her beautiful breast fed baby boy. I wrote to support her, and wrote that I am currently, and have breast fed all of my babies. Well, not all. I should not have written the word all .I missed out on that closeness and bonding with you, because you left before it could ever happen. No baby milestones.

I love you, and you are always thought of Devyn. I hold you in my heart.

Mommie

Your Third Angel Day

Three years ago today you were born sleeping, and our lives were forever changed. Daddy and I miss you,and love you forever Devyn.

This Thanksgiving

Three years ago at Thanksgiving time my life had crumbled to pieces. I had lost you Devyn, my baby boy. Now three years later your baby sister is here at Thanksgiving. I know you watched over her when I was pregnant with her, and when she was born on October 28, 2010, and had her troubles breathing and had to be in the special care nursery. I know you also watched over me, your mommie, when I almost hemorrhaged to death after having her and ended up back in the hospital in the critical care unit.

I have so much to be thankful for, and when you died I lost sight of it all for so long. I still feel your loss in all the corners of my soul. At the same time I feel the joy of your baby sister, and feel a bitter sweetness all at the same time. You will always be forever loved, and forever missed. When people asked me in the hospital how many children I have, you were always included in that number. Some did not ask beyond the number of children question, some asked for specifics. I let them know you are my angel baby in heaven. You are always so much a part of who I am, who I have become, and who I will become in the future. I love you Devyn. I miss you Devyn. Thank you or watching over us.

Due date today

Today is you due date Devyn. If life had gone as planned you would be with me now. I would be able to hold you close, and cuddle and kiss you. I love, I miss you, I'll never forget.

Mommie

Beta

We had our FET on December 22. Transfered one great embryo and one a little less great.

Decemeber 31st, blood test in the early am, then a call later that morning, "I'm so sorry, but your pregnancy test is negative." A not so happy New Years Eve. The rest of the day and evening spent in bed.

I was so silly to let myself think that I would actually become pregnant, I guess. I actually had more hope than I have had in the two years since Devyn died. The hope got me through the holidays, which are the worst for me, next to seeing pregnant bellies everywhere, and newborns everywhere I turn while trying to keep the holidays festive for my family. And I look at my sweet nephew whom I adore and realize that his cousin Devyn should be toddling around with him playing and laughing and getting into things. My heart just aches. It's so unfair that he is gone. And those who tell me that he is in a better place don't get it. The best place for a baby is in his or her mommies arms.

I do the fertility treatments and what a mind trip I go through. I consciously make an effort not to take what I am feeling inside out on anyone, though the hormones make me so very emotional. I am sore from the treatments but I do not complain, even to my husband. No one in my family knows I am going through fertility treatments. I 've done holistic nutrition, acupuncture, trying to think positive. I don't drink, don't smoke (not that they are something that I enjoy doing). For what, I think now?

Why is it that a crack ho or a heroin addict can get pregnant while stoned out of their mind, without the assistance of fertility treatments, and deliver a living, breathing baby? Or a woman I know of who literally smoked throughout her recent pregnancy and delivers a healthy baby. And 2 years before that, she was a drug addict and gave birth to a healthy set of twins. (both unplanned pregnancies I might add)

But I do what I am supposed to and I can't even get pregnant? Even with fertility assistance?

I haven't cried yet, I just feel so numb. I want to just crawl out of my body, this broken body and be somewhere else. I don't have a clue where, just somewhere else.

We have two more frozen embies, do I dare to dream, hope again, or am I just setting myself up.

But I want this so badly. So so very badly.

I am trying so hard not to be bitter, and I fight it every day, but it is creeping into me. I don't like it and I try to fight it, but these things make it so hard.

What Fall Means Now

I used to love the fall season. I loved the smell of it in the air. The anticipation of the crisp cool weather that brought with it apple picking, and cider, pumpkin picking and trick or treating, and my Halloween birthday. I loved to watch the leaves change and honestly be mystified by how beautiful they were. I looked forward to yummy Thanksgiving with my husband, L/C, mom, dad, sisters and nieces and nephews. Fall was always the season I looked forward to the most.

You know what fall means to me now. Pain. Pure and utter pain. It was the time I was so happy to find out I was pregnant with Devyn, and the time I found out that my precious baby boy was sick. It is the time that reminds me of how helpless I felt to save my son, searching and searching for something to find hope and some way to save him, finding help, and then him dying before I could get him to that help. It is the time that I really found out who my true friends were, and also found out that some whom I thought were my friends, chose to ignore me because THEY felt uncomfortable. It is the time where I really began to feel that I really did not matter to God because how could He play such a cruel joke on someone like that. I wanted my baby so very badly, and he was given to me and then taken away. Where can the rationale for that be?? Fall is the time I had to go through the pain of labor knowing I would not have my son come home with me in the end. Fall is the time when I found out that mommies and daddies have to make arrangements at funeral homes for their babies. Fall is the time when my life and my heart broke in to a million pieces.

Is fall my favorite season anymore?? I don't think so.